At the next civil war, just let them LEAVE.

Monkey jokes occasionally that he’d love to live in the US again, and I roll my eyes and humor him. Lately, it’s been much easier to roll my eyes, and much harder to find the humor in my home country.  Actions like those of North Carolina on Tuesday make it even more difficult to think about ever returning.

For those of you not in the know, North Carolina residents voted to pass an amendment to their state’s constitution that would define the ONLY legally recognized union as a marriage between a man and a woman.  While the surface stupidity is plainly obvious to anyone who paid attention in 8th grade civics class (the 14th Amendment clearly states:  All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws),  there is a fantastic additional layer of idiocy to the law.  Essentially, if you are a heterosexual couple who are unmarried, or had a civil partnership (versus a marriage), you no longer have protection under the law.  Good luck if your kid gets sick and needs to go to the hospital, or one of you dies and you were hoping to have instant access to the rest of the estate – you no longer get those rights.  Ha!  It’s funny because it’s horrible.

Now, North Carolinians who voted for this will claim that it’s a completely fair law, and simply codified the current understanding of marriage.  They, of course, are morons.  It did far more than that, and now impede on the rights of anyone not married.  It’s the very textbook definition of un-Constitutional.  Of course, if anyone who had drafted the amendment had bothered to ask a lawyer, any lawyer, they would have known that.  But, they didn’t.  Even when every law school in the state came out against the wording of the amendment, they still went ahead.  And as predicted, the petition to repeal the law has already begun.  Now, unless they get a judge that has recently suffered a brain injury (or is Southern, duh), this amendment will hopefully be relegated to the trash heap, much to the cries of ‘librul judges!’ and ‘state’s rights!’.  And the process will begin anew.  Idiots will try to legislate their idiocy, and when they are legally smacked down, will cry martyrdom of their rights to hate everyone else.

You may have voted for this law, and think yourself safe in the knowledge that your union will be fine.  But remember, with the slippery slope of bigoted and discriminatory legislature, comes your chance to get screwed.  Say you voted for this law, and are in a heterosexually but interracial marriage.  In 2011, 46% of Mississippi GOP members surveyed wanted to make interracial marriage illegal again.  Let me say that again, so you get it:  Just a year ago, 46% of Mississippi GOP members wished they could make it illegal for your marriage to exist.  All they need is a few more years, and for 5% more people to take their white hoods off before they enter a voting booth, and it will be done.  Say you are a woman and voted for this amendment.  Hold the phone, sister!  The good reverend (and frequent Fox News contributor) Jesse Lee Peterson thinks the biggest mistake America ever made was giving women the right to vote.  What’s to stop him from holding a referendum next year?  All he needs is a majority in a male-laden state (I’m looking at you,  Alaska), and the womens’ right in the northern most state are stripped.  And as a bonus, he is using Scripture to get rid of your rights, the same way you did with amendment one!  Bonus irony!

And this is why we should have let the South secede 150 years or so ago.  These people are morons.  And yes, that makes me sound elitist, because I AM.  

I AM BETTER THAN THEM.  

AND SO ARE YOU.  

We, the rational states, the blue states, the libruls, are better than most of the south.  We make more than they do, and pay more into federal taxes while taking less out.  The leeches on our federal tax dollars?  Overwhelmingly southern.  If the silly bitches want to go on about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, I WANT MY FUCKING BOOTS BACK.  Massachusetts has had gay marriage for almost a decade now, and not only has civilization not fallen, their divorce rate is less than half of the Godly states like North Carolina.   Red states are by and large dumber than Blue states in math and science, and overall in education, of the bottom 10 states in ed. rankings, the deep south takes 6 spots.  In fact, the only category that southern states top out on is which states are the most unhealthy.  Great, when universal healthcare is portioned out, I get to pay for your sickly asses too?   So, the northern states have to carry the nation for taxes, for education, for health, and for family values like divorce rates, and yet the South, and moreover the Conservatives, are the “patriots” who wave flags screaming ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ while they legislate everything from what two consenting adults do in the bedroom, to how deep a woman should be forcibly penetrated before she can have an abortion?

BULLSHIT.  

I CALL BULLSHIT.  

And so should you.

Aren’t you sick of being labelled traitors for understanding how the whole Constitution works, not just the 2nd Amendment?  Aren’t you tired of being beaten over the head with the same lies and bigotry wrapped up in a religious text, only to be told you are intolerant when you disagree?  Don’t you think it’s fucking ridiculous that ignorance is prized as a virtue, and getting an education, any kind of education, is frowned on as ‘snobby’?

Then do something about it.

Stop biting your tongue when these idiots let loose with whatever bullshit Fox News fed them that night.  Don’t be the one who wants to make peace at family gatherings.  Pull their heads out of the sand for one damn minute of their lives and show them the straight facts.  Because we can placate these morons till the cows come home, but nothing will change – it will just get worse. Yes, you will lose high school friends you never bothered to keep in touch with till Facebook arrived – oh well.  Yes, that one weird uncle of yours will stop sending you a Christmas card.  You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few bigots.  Stop being nice.  Start being factual, honest, and belligerent with the damn truth.

I can’t do much from here – while I am still forced to pay taxes to the US, even though I no longer live there, I cannot vote in most elections (because I don’t have a residence, thus cannot meet residency requirements).  As a super bonus, my kid, born in the UK but with US citizenship, will be forced to pay taxes every year to a country he does not live in, and has to sign up for Selective Service when he turns 18, and can be drafted the next time some numpty decides to invade Iraq for the umteenth time, buthe can never vote.  Taxation, without representation.  So when I say it’s on your shoulders, it’s on your shoulders.

Monkey says I am being overdramatic, that if we moved back, of course we’d live in an uber educated, liberal area.  But what is to stop the crackhead state next to us from pulling this kind of crap, and tangentially affecting our lives?  Because in this moment, there are families all over the nation who were planning on moving to NC for a job, or higher education, who are now scrambling to understand this ass-backwards law, and if they will lose their legal rights as a married gay couple, straight unmarried couple, or civilly partnered couple.  They are shitting bricks now because yet another stupid state couldn’t be bothered to read the laws on the books before shoving this idiocy into the world.  In this moment, there are thousands of unmarried couples who lost any legal protection they had, and have little to no recourse.  They can’t just up stakes and move, they are stuck in a state that considers them sub-human.  And I hope no foreign investors are looking at building in NC – can you imagine a company from Denmark, or Norway showing up to build a factory, only to find out that this shit is on the books?  They will pull out so fast it will make your head spin.  And why?  All because some bigots are too…fucking…stupid to do any better.

Sorry, folks, I wish this was funnier.  I love dark comedy, but my country circling the drain can’t even be put into subversive humor.