I am going to become a bestselling baby author. My book will be essential reading for every parent on the globe. This is the text of the book, in its entirety. Ready?
Don’t Kill Your Kid.
Ta-da! Where is my royalty check?
I was looking at an attachment parenting website this morning, and it occured to me that I am apparently a horrible mother. Sure, I wear my baby. I breastfeed. We try to order always organic food. We co-sleep (where baby’s cot is in parents’ bedroom). We are starting cloth diapering. So why am I bad? Apparently…
Not bedsharing (where baby sleeps with parents in same bed)
Putting my kid down for a nap without me
and Giving a binkie/pacifier
all mean I have just signed my kid up for Serial Murderer school. Yup, I thought a binkie just kept him satiated when he took a nap in his cot, but apparently I am teaching him to use oral fixation to solve his problems, while showing him that I am resentful of his presence in my life as I force him to sleep apart from me (1 foot apart, but still).
That’s okay though, because on a different parenting website: since I babywear, I am teaching my child to be clingy, which will make him grow up neurotic and have mommy issues. At least I know what kind of serial killer he’ll be now – much easier for the FBI to track him in 30 years.
Think of the craziest way you could parent, for a moment. Now, google it. Guarantee, you’ll find some community that does it, and some psychologist/therapist/person who wrote a book on how great it is. And of course, you’ll find a group who opposes it. Now, some parenting techniques I believe are downright dangerous (the refusal to vaccinate in our area has seen a dangerous spike in *deaths* from measles in the past year – death, from a disease eradicated decades ago!), but generally, whether you bottle or breastfeed, where you bedshare, co-sleep or the kid has had his own room since day one, whether you cloth or disposable diaper – NONE of this stuff really matters. Before disposables and formula, everyone was cloth diapered and breast fed, and there were still people who turned out bad. Baby Hitler wasn’t given a bottle and a pair of Huggies and told to cry it out, and he still became a massive bastard. It matters that you love your kid and he knows it.
We’re doing the best we can for our son as we see fit. He is clean, dry, fed, and constantly cuddled. We play with him, talk to him, laugh with him, and kiss and hug him at every opportunity. We try our damdest every day to not kill him, or let him kill himself from his own baby-ness. Sure, I do some ‘weird’ things – we listen to classical music every day, I encourage Andrew to talk to him in Hakka at every opportunity, I read ‘adult’ books like Sun Tzu and Berkley Breathed to him instead of ‘baby’ books, and recite Shakespeare when we walk down the street, not to mention the cloth diapering and wearing, etc. And we’ll do evern weirder things when he grows up, I reckon. But, he will, in all things, know that he is loved. And that is all that matters.
Seriously, folks, my book? BEST SELLER.