The Phases of Mommy Fashion

A buddy of mine on FB was remarking that while she loves her designer diaper bag (the same one that Angelina Jolie has!), while empty it is 19 times heavier than the free one she got at the chemist. As a friend of hers pointed out, Miss Angie has nannies to carry her bags. It got me thinking to the phases of Mummy fashion that every woman seems to go through in post pregnancy. If you are pregnant right now, be on the lookout for these developmental milestones.

Phase One: URGH.
You have just had a baby. The thought of putting on anything more than a nightshirt, undies, and a robe is horrifying. Climbing in and out of the shower is a trial in strength, so doing something as time consuming as fixing your hair seems ridiculous. If people come over, you may put sweatpants on, but that’s it. Fuck shoes. This phase may be as short as 2 weeks, or as long as 12, depending on how evil your birth was.

Phase Two: THE LIGHT.
You gingerly step to the closet one day, and realize that your fat pants now fit! In a surge of energy, you find both a top without a stain on it, pants, and even a pair of shoes that are not fuzzy with cartoon characters on them, and you step outside. A homeless man takes one look at you and slips you a pound. You can’t remember the last time you took a shower that was longer that 3 minutes, but you are sure as hell going to have one, just as soon as you go to the hairdresser. This is a fun phase, enjoy yourself. I got a buzz cut and bought pretty makeup.

Phase Three: YUMMY MUMMY.
You are in your stride now. You’ve figured out burping, colic is probably over, and you can get your kid into a pram and out the door in less than two and half hours. You may or may not be pre-pregnancy weight, but you are at least learning how to work it. Look at you, branded coffee cup in one hand, brochure for Baby and Me Yoga in the other. *two snaps* WORK IT GIRL! This phase will hopefully last a long time.

Phase Four: CODE RED.
Baby decides to change up the game. Your angelic little sleeper now wakes every hour on the hour from teething. The cute little baby that would sit happily in his playcage while you got ready now screams when you leave the room (or his arms!). Forget clean clothes – baby how slaps over bowls, chucks food, and is constantly grabbing at you with sticky hands. You spend most of your time on the floor, retrieving thrown toys from under the couch. Then baby decides to get his first major cold/flu, and you find yourself at the urgent care ward in a pair of dirty yoga pants, a tee shirt sans bra, hair that hasn’t seen soap in 3 days, and flip flops that do not match. The only good thing about this phase is that you *can* get out of it. Eventually the teething fades, they do go to sleep, and you will have a few days/hours of Phase Yummy Mummy before the next Code Red crops up.

Bonus Phase: HONEY BADGER.
I call this the Nirvana of the phases, although some would consider it Hell. You do not give a shit about what you look like. Jean shorts + black socks + tennis shoes + skanky top + hair sticking up = WHATEVER. DEAL WITH IT. I’M A FUCKING MOTHER. I KEPT ALIVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TODAY, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? THAT’S RIGHT, NOW SHUT YOUR HOLE. HOLLABACK.