The truth of the matter
That’s right. I’m going to say it. No new mommy will dare utter those words, but I will, for I believe in the truth, and the truth is: Newborns Suck.
First off, they are ridiculously easy to kill. It’s like they have a Prime Directive to try to off themselves at every opportunity. Mine was born with his cord around his neck – he literally was trying to kill himself BEFORE he got out of the womb. Kamakazie bastard. They choke on the bottle, and even the boob. Oh yes, they have 1 job in life, to eat, and they manage to screw that up by forgetting how to swallow milk. OH! Did you know newborns stop breathing in their sleep, and pick up a few seconds later? Yeah, I DID NOT KNOW THAT. Thought I was gonna poop myself first time he did that. They have ginormous heads, and tiny little weak necks – it’s like an orange on a swizzle stick. And my kid? His head was in the 75% for size – he’s a frikkin’ grapefruit on a swizzle stick. It’s like they are daring you to snap their necks. You can’t put them on a soft surface, because they can smother themselves with their giant heads. Bobble-headed masochists, they are.
Secondly, they have 3 default positions: Cry, silent stillness while they poop, and sleep. Alex cries ALL THE TIME. That’s all he does. It’s like he is afraid of silence, and chooses to just SHOUT into the void at every opportunity. The screaming is punctuated by moments of complete stillness while he cranks out a massive fart/poop/pee combo, usually so forceful that it splashes out of his diaper (generally a diaper I just changed 10 mins earlier), which gets celebrated by more crying. Sleeping is fabulous, when it comes – sleep is done on my chest, as he has colic and won’t sleep on his back. (Fun Fact: ‘Colic’ is Latin for YOU ARE A BAD MOTHER FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I WILL BE IN THERAPY BECAUSE OF YOUR POOR PARENTING SKILLS. FUCK YOU).
Oooh, and not only do they not have verbal skills, they can’t even control their facial expressions, so you can’t tell what exactly is going on. You have to decode their screams, Wind Talker style. Guess what, baby? I AM NOT A NAVAJO. THIS IS NOT WWII. MAKE YOUR FACE WORK SOON OR I SWEAR BY THOR’S LEFT TEAT I AM GOING TO LOSE IT.
So yeah, babies may be awesome, and each moment is precious and grand, blah blah blah, but the truth of the matter is, newborns suck. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to stare at mine to make sure he doesn’t spontaneously combust.