Why Your Baby Sucks
In another of the “Things that Suck”, we now go from feeding your baby to your baby itself. In my five months of being a parent, one thing is now crystal clear: Newborns suck. People tell new parents to hang on, the first six weeks are the hardest, and they are right, but at the magical six week mark I wanted…I don’t know…something to change. I wasn’t expecting him to quote Nietzsche, but I guess I was expecting a little more than the screaming, potato-looking poop machine that I had been dealing with for the last 42 days. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that spud more than my life, but it was a let down. I was still healing from massive episiotomy, my house was a mess, my body was awash in hormones, and my kid was no smarter/cooler/more responsive than he was yesterday. My ROI (return on investment) was not really panning out.
It’s not till the 4 month mark that babies stop slightly sucking. Alex can sit on my lap with just one hand around him, not me holding him at 298282 points because his stupid head kept flopping. He has a pretty set schedule of feeds and sleep, as opposed to OMG I AM SLEEPY OMG I AM STARVING OMG SOMETHING IS WRONG AND I WON’T TELL YOU AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… every damn day and night. When he smiles, I know it isn’t necessarily gas, but because he is enjoying himself. He can keep himself occupied with a mobile or toy, versus at 6 weeks when his only entertainment seemed to be watching me stare at him and intone – “What the hell is going on? Why are you screaming? We have to figure this out. Are you hungry/thirsty/tired/dehydrated/sick/dying/had a limb removed/sleepy/awake/too hot/too cold/wet/dry?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!”
At five months, I feel like we are really hitting our stride, but Alex is such a Rubix cube – every time I think I have one side down, I realize there are so many more facets to him. Well, we’ll figure it out. We always do. And even when I fail, I can think – at least he doesn’t suck.